Welcome back to Everyday Christian Men’s Marriage Monday Blog! Matt and Amy Lushko are continuing their new series, walking chapter-by-chapter through two excellent books on marriage communication: How a Husband Speaks by R.G. Frederick and How a Wife Speaks by Selena Frederick. This week, they tackle the topic “Words Matter,” exploring the profound impact our communication has on our spouse. Whether you are reading along with the books or just looking for weekly encouragement, we are glad you are here!
How a Husband Speaks purchase on Amazon
How a Wife Speaks purchase on Amazon
Chapter 1: Words Matter
John 13:34-35 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
How a Husband Speaks
Matt: Seeks to speak as Jesus speaks, carefully and with intention. (pg. 13)
Men, communication can no doubt be hard. The opening line in this week’s chapter states that communication is the process of one individual sharing information and ideas with another (pg. 7). Given that general statement about communication, I would think that we all communicate something in some way to our wives. Here is the problem for me, and this really came out in Amy’s and my conversation this week: I don’t communicate those things that she is looking for or needs from me.
In general, women tend to prioritize connection and emotional expression, while men often focus on problem-solving and goal-oriented talk. This is no different for Amy and me. Amy wants me to communicate how much I love her, and she wants to feel like I still choose her. Whereas I am like, “We accomplished that goal when we got married. If anything changes, I’ll let you know.” That is a little bit of an exaggeration, but I think you can relate.
I really like the concept in this chapter, and I think it gives me a reason to try to do better in communication with Amy.
God is revealed in nature. Everything you see around you points you to the fact that there is a God. You cannot look at the mountains, the ocean, trees, animals, or anything in nature and say this all happened by accident. I like the verses in Job 12:7-9:
Job 12:7-9 “But ask the beasts, and they will teach you; the birds of the heavens, and they will tell you; or the bushes of the earth, and they will teach you; and the fish of the sea will declare to you. Who among all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this?”
Even though God has made it clear that there is a creator, He still chose to communicate with us by writing it all down. The mysteries of God’s character and decree have been communicated to us (revealed) through the unmerited graces of God’s law, the written Word, and the gospel of Christ, His incarnate Word (pg. 10).
The key takeaway in this chapter states:
“Mastering how you relate to your wife through words is rooted in understanding how your God has related to you in Scripture and in Jesus.” (pg. 13)
Men just want women to understand that they love them, but they need to hear it from us. Just like God chose to communicate with us even though He could have left it as we should understand. He gave us the example of taking the extra step, and we should follow His example.
I thought this week as Amy and I talked, why did God make us so different and why did He make it so difficult? I know many have asked that question and there doesn’t seem to be a great answer.
Now think about what Jesus had to do for us on the cross. Did God really have to make it so that His only Son had to die on the cross for our sins? Again, I don’t have a great answer for that, but I am thankful that Jesus chose to do the hard thing for me.
How a Wife Speaks
Amy: I am so thankful we have a God that gave us examples of how to live. I just wish I could understand why men and women were wired in the way God designed us. I really have no right to question it, but sometimes it just doesn’t make any sense. Would marriage actually be better or easier if the sexes were a little more compatible in needs and desires? Maybe that was another part of the curse against man and woman? Regardless of what I could keep wishing for, the show must go on and we must learn to make that sacrifice to give love and respect even when it is hard.
Your words matter. We have used that phrase a lot in our home because my daughter is a creative writing major, but it is very true. Words carry a lot of value to what you communicate. Using the wrong word or phrase can unintentionally change the meaning of what you say. This in turn can cause a breakdown in communication and cause conflict.
There are so many different facets of communication. We communicate in our body language, tone of voice, volume of our voice and facial expressions, or even the lack of any expression, being unemotional, or detached. Listening and responding is also part of communication. Each of these can carry with it hurt or disrespect, or love, encouragement, and life to the one whom you communicate with. The motivation behind your heart also matters.
To communicate well entails knowing and remembering that the man you are communicating with is a child of God, and you serve well when you do all things through Christ who strengthens you, to be obedient as you love like Christ.
“Your words carry immense power in the heart of your husband” (pg. 17).
Remember these key points:
Build him up or tear him down.
Equip him to lead or cause him to quit trying.
Encourage and embolden his faith or cut him down, producing fear and insecurity.
Be filled with grace, or weighty with contempt and disdain.
God cares how you communicate to your husband. What you say and how you say it matters.
“Communication is a grace of God, and godly communication requires wisdom, charity, and love as modeled by Christ and enabled by the Holy Spirit” (pg. 18).
In Christ,
Matt and Amy
