Welcome back to Everyday Christ Men’s Marriage Monday Blog! Matt and Amy Lushko are continuing their new series, walking chapter-by-chapter through two excellent books on marriage communication: How a Husband Speaks by R.G. Frederick and How a Wife Speaks by Selena Frederick. This week, they tackle Chapter 2: “Becoming a Better Communicator,” exploring how we can grow our communication skills and build trust with our spouse. Whether you are reading along with the books or just looking for weekly encouragement, we are glad you are here!
How a Husband Speaks purchase on Amazon
How a Wife Speaks purchase on Amazon
Chapter 2: Becoming a Better Communicator
Colossians 3:14-15 “And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.”
How a Husband Speaks
Matt: I’m not the man I once was. And, you don’t have to be the man you are today for the rest of your life either. (pg. 17)
Communication is not something that comes naturally to most people. That is why there is a major in college dedicated to communication. It is also so much easier to make excuses than it is to work on your communication and actually make changes.
You can blame it on culture, your upbringing, or just simply saying that is just the way you are.
I know that I have blamed things on the fact that I am a quiet person, an introvert, and I am not a talker. Even though Amy is a quiet person as well, she has not accepted these excuses from me and has challenged me in these areas.
I also have forced myself in other areas of my life to overcome these things, so I should not use them as an excuse when it comes to communicating with Amy. Everyone can become a better communicator.
One thing that he talks about in this chapter is about going to God and allowing Him to shape how you communicate with your spouse.
“To become the type of man who loves his wife like Christ in how he communicates, you must first go to Him, drink, let the Spirit flow, and get to work. The work may not be easy, but the fruit is worth it.” (pg. 19)
Going to God and asking Him to show you where areas of your communication with your spouse are lacking is not an easy prayer to say. He will answer and make you aware of things that you need to work on. It will be difficult because it is probably something that you are somewhat aware of and were avoiding, and it will require some work.
While you are praying that prayer, don’t forget to ask Him for help as well. He will give you that too.
How a Wife Speaks
Amy:
“… a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30
“Communication is a skill that can be learned … but if it is done without love it’s in vain. It won’t matter how skilled you are; your husband’s ears might hear you, but his heart won’t trust you.” (pg. 21)
As I reflected on the topic this week and read this chapter, the author seems to focus most on how wives are responding to their spouse specifically in times of stress.
I have to admit that I won’t always respond to Matt lovingly during times of stress, and I certainly know I won’t master it. We have learned that sometimes life just does get the best of us, and we will always continue to be a work in progress. We must offer grace in these moments. I’m thankful Matt extends kindness and patience even when I have a bad day or many bad days in a row.
What I gained most is that your words can affect how well your husband will trust you. Proverbs 31:11 reminds us that a woman who fears the Lord leads to the heart of her husband trusting in her. If harsh, demeaning, disrespectful words have become a regular form of communication toward your husband, there will always be some form of disconnect.
As Matt and I have worked through many marriage topics and our own flaws, I remember him saying that if I say something that would stir strife, he pretty much just shuts down and doesn’t hear anything else I have to say. In his mind, he is already building up a conversation with himself about how he can defend himself or just zoning out of the rest of the conversation. I’ve damaged a little piece of his heart and his trust.
Striving to keep my words in alignment with Christ-likeness and seeking forgiveness will rebuild that trust and reconnect us again. Becoming a Proverbs 31 woman seems like an impossible feat, but it is a definition of who I can work towards becoming as I seek to fear the Lord in everything I do.
“Remember your words are not weapons, but tools to be wielded skillfully by a woman who fears the Lord.” (pg. 26)
In Christ,
Matt and Amy
Questions to Meditate On:
Are you seeking Christ for the things you lack in communication with your spouse?
What areas is He asking you to work on?
